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| and the repressed feelings from my past revisited my thoughts as i slipped into a conversation with someone who wants to know the real me. i find myself sick with the forgiveness that i never let myself have. i haven't forgiven myself, even though you may already forgive me. instead i bask in the guilt that i continue to hide to keep my head above water. no one should have to drown in this fear, and so i will ask you to forgive me again, if only to see it in your eyes. an unconditional love. my past mistakes weigh me down, because i did not wait, and because i fooled myself into believing something about myself that wasn't true - "this is your worth....".... as i became someone who i was not in denial of my own good judgment for the value of someone's worst.
but i'm finding myself again. and knowing myself once more...the real me.
hold me.
love me. | | |
| i try to cover the things i'm ashamed of.
cover the feelings i regret feeling.
cover the actions i regret doing.
and cover the thoughts that i regret thinking.
and i have been a human of flaws
covered in an image i cannot keep
covered as a someone that stands high,
does not fall,
and never breaks promises
and the irony of it is that i'm broken by
the inhumanness of that
and never loved as i am
because no one has been able to see
the real me
that i hide away
in fear
i will try to please everyone
against everything i am
and i lose me
in someones desires
and i dont know where it came from
or why i have felt this way
but i hardly know myself anyway
and i measure myself against
someone im not
and set myself up for
failure
because of who i never was
and maybe i'll start to find me
if i let go of who i set myself up to fail to be
i liked you when i kissed him
yet i kissed him anyway
why?
i dont know
i regretted every moment
yet let it take me away
anyway
and what?
i hate myself for it
i absolutely regret it with every part of me
and in your anger, i found a piece of me
i found the piece of me
that longed for you
crazy? probably
and it broke me
and i found me
and you have a piece of me
be gentle with me
im struggling
to know myself
too
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| i feel so sick to my stomach. i'm not trying to be dramatic. or make something of nothing. and maybe i don't really know what i really want. and maybe i'm just emotional. maybe that's all it really is.i dont know, but i gotta say, those tears came from somewhere within me from a part i couldn't quite feel before. they came from somewhere that felt something...for you. and i didn't even know. and maybe i'm being dramatic, and a little emotional. and maybe we became to vulnerable. but it was so easy to. and i feel so sick right now, because i feel like i'm being a fool. a fool for not choosing you. right now. and maybe you're right. maybe it was just in the moment. a series of moments progressively more intimate than the last ones that have lead us here right now. and i wonder if i have felt this way before. have i hurt like this before? maybe it is a little less painful than the first time. a little less painful due to our calloused hearts. and that look in your eyes. disappointment in a hope you held against your philosophy. like this time it coulda been different. i have failed. i've become that girl. that willow girl. that untrustworthy girl.
but i never would have asked you to change. because i like you. just the way you are. and i loved that you became vulnerable with me even against your better judgement...and i will never take that for granted. ever.
i dont know whats happened in these last few weeks. i dont know how to explain it. but i do know, that even tho i denied the feelings before, i got butterflies every time we kissed. and when you looked at me. and tilted your head to the side. and i didn't even really know if your feelings were for real until now, but now i know....my sister told me that i shouldn't call you. that i should give you space. and that will be really hard. this hurts more than i would have imagined it would.
i'm a little messed up. i've made a lot of mistakes. i have feared you knowing me really, for fear that you would leave. or stop liking me. i'm not gonna be perfect, and i would never expect you to be either. i dont know why i have to try to build up this persona of myself of the sweetest girl on the block. i'm fooling myself. and using it lightly. i wish you could love me anyway.
| | |
| do you appreciate me?
a
tear
falls
down
my
cheek
where did it come from?
and you say you do
and they well up in my eyes
because i don't feel it
and you left
one
more
time.......
| | |
| the pieces are laying on the floor
i dont' have the energy to pick them up
because they will probably end up back on the floor again
before i can put them back together
and you dont know what you do to me
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